![]() I thought I wanted the sort of career that would let me stand out as an over-achiever, as an intelligent woman, that would put those frumpy stay-at-home moms to shame. I thought I would work full-time with kids, even very young ones. I thought waiting five years for kids (till 29 or so) was my minimum anyway. ![]() I also simply hadn’t thought much about kids before, as I was in no rush to have them. Somehow I’d neglected to consider how sexism (via inflexible systems and bad attitudes of superiors) could affect my career, regardless of how egalitarian my marriage was. It felt wussy, in a way, to back down just because things would be hard, but in the end, I was convinced: I would much rather give up a PhD for now (with the option of returning later) than be miserable fighting the system for the next 10+ years.Īll of this came as a surprise to me, as I’d never considered how much pregnancy itself would frustrate my plans. A PhD just wouldn’t work for me right now, not only because of its length, but also because of everything that comes after-the pressure to publish and to find a tenure-track position. Through the essays of these real-life mothering grad students and professors, my suspicions were confirmed. Jeremiah continued to encourage me to not give up, so I bought a book called Mama, PhD. But pregnancy was going to cause trouble, almost inevitably. If children dropped into our laps as five-year-olds, or even toddlers, maybe we could make a way. We could do not only the dual-career thing but the dual-academic-career thing. He promised to be a total team player, sharing housework and childcare as equally as possible. My husband didn’t want me to give up on my goals because I felt confined by gender. I, however, wanted to be sure I wasn’t forced to have kids over 35 if I didn’t want to, and I wanted to make certain I had room for as many as we decided to have. ![]() If you’re willing to consider just having one or two kids, you wait to start until your late 30s and early 40s. If you’re willing to take fertility drugs or abort a baby with birth defects, you can keep going into your late 30s and early 40s. Your risks for everything go up your baby’s risks for everything go up. Over 35 you are an “advanced maternal age” patient. If I was graduating at 30, would I be able to be have done having kids at 35?ģ5 is the even-more-magic number. I’m not sure what is magical about 30, but 30 felt impossible. Ending a PhD at 29 somehow felt a lot more do-able than ending a PhD at 30. I did, however, have an important decision to make: Would I reapply to PhD programs next year? And I eventually decided I wouldn’t. I had hoped to be their peer and friend, but even given this unfortunate news, I only wished them the best. I did not feel bitterness towards those who had been accepted, as I had met them and thought they were both brilliant and fun. In March, I was put “at the top” of the wait list, and soon after I received an official notice that I was not rejected per se-but there would not be space for me in the incoming class. Lastly-and thankfully not during the aforementioned trip-I had a brief pregnancy scare (which made me feel a lot of things). Secondly, I went on said trip (which made me feel professional and mature). First, I was invited on an all-expense-paid weekend trip to Baylor University where I had applied to a sociology of religion PhD program (which made me feel important and intelligent).
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